Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
