I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
