ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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