Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
