When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
