you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
