I think I died a long time ago.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
