Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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