If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
