if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
