I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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