I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
