i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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