he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
