thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
