It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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