Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
