Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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