nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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