Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
