she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How does one acquire holy water?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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