hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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