The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
