Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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