Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
