I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
