Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
