Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
