two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
