everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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