Dude my mom stole all your condoms
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
