I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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