DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
