Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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