hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
