Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
