woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
