I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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