1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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