that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
