Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
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