Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
