Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
