I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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