Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize