Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
