a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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