I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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