yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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