she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
