Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
