i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
she looked like the before picture.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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