God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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