DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
