Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
