Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
