Where is the hickey?
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
